Baby Steps: My Journey to Self-Love

Sometimes I see or hear people’s comments about themselves and I want to grab them firmly by the shoulders and cry "PLEASE, JUST LOVE YOURSELF!"

No, it’s not easy, but it is possible. Everyone will have their own journey but I hope that the one I have been on will help get you pointed in the right direction.

Much of self-love comes from accepting and appreciating our physical being and I will address that, but it all starts from within.

Make the Choice

I made a conscious decision long ago to try to love myself. Always one to think about life and all its mysteries, I often thought about our existence as humans on this planet and really big, deep thoughts. You might say I am somewhat of a natural philosopher as I am always wondering about life and the human condition. But even with all these big, deep thoughts about the universe, religion, the environment, human rights, and all the rest, I would still find myself caught up in thoughts about myself and things I wished I could change. I wished I was thinner, I wished I didn’t have so many freckles at one point in my life, I wished the backs of my arms weren’t so flabby because even if I did get thinner, there was likely going to be extra skin there, but maybe if it was really bad, I could have surgery to remove the extra skin... and I would fantasize about my “perfect self” and what that would look like, and of course, it was reminiscent of a Victoria’s Secret model.

As the body positive movement started to pick up, and women like Ashley Graham and Denise Bidot started advocating for all shapes and sizes in the modeling world I began to realize that there is no one perfect shape. That women of all shapes and sizes can be stunning and I started to view my own body a bit differently. This was only the beginning...

Set an Intention – And Focus On It

Intention setting is the basis of my blog. If you’re a regular reader, you know the story about the New Year’s Eve intention setting session and how that has shaped 2017 for me so far. Intention setting is not like making a wish. You need to stay aware of your intentions and keep them in your conscious mind.

I have had moments where my intentions were put out of my mind and I lost sight of my goals for a moment. I felt lost! But once I refocused on the intentions that I set, things start falling back into place and moving in the right direction again.

Intention setting is not limited to New Year’s Eve either. You can make new intentions every day if you want to. You can change your mind and change directions but overall, setting intentions are a great way to stay focused and stay positive.

Practice Self-Care

Google self-care and you will find thousands of articles and ideas for how to practice this small but important step.

Self-care is about taking care of your mental and physical well-being and often aligns with preventative medicine and/or therapeutic practices. Self-care looks different to everyone; for me, self-care can be anything from writing a blog post or in my journal, to going to counseling or my support group, to treating myself to a pedicure or some sort of pampering, to going to CrossFit, or more recently doing yoga and/or meditation. Self-care also presents itself in everyday activities like when you choose to buy groceries that nourish your body instead of junk foods and snacks or getting a full restful sleep.

Make small decisions every day to practice the act of self-care. Start with one thing and then keep adding on to it. You will always have to make conscious decisions to implement self-care, but some things will become second nature and take less effort and thought. And when you are truly and fully caring for yourself mentally and physically, you are in essence loving yourself!

Believe That You Deserve It

We often hold on to pain from our pasts and there is a saying about forgiving those who have wronged you, not for them, but for you – as a way of acknowledging the scenario and the feelings that come along with it, then letting it go. But hand in hand with that pain that we are holding on to, are often feelings of undeserving of good.

Ask yourself why you are holding on to your pain/anger/sadness and if it’s worth the effort. What is falling to the wayside while you focus so much of your limited and precious energy elsewhere?

For me, it was while I was nurturing my last relationship without reciprocation. I thought I could do it all on my own and happiness was just around the corner. I wanted so badly for it to work that I put all my efforts into trying to save my partner from his demons, but my own demons crept in and got the better of me.

I had hoped that it was a just rough patch and before I knew it, three years had gone by. I was exhausted and unhealthy physically and mentally. And then came my turning point, where I realized we each have our one lifetime and I decided I wanted to make the best of mine. This included going outside my comfort zone, not saying no to new experiences out of fear, and believing that I deserve to focus attention on my own life and my own needs. Once I believed that I deserved to look after myself, many of the other pieces talked about in this post, started to fall into place.

Shut Down That Negative Inner Voice

Be mindful of what you are saying to yourself. I have said it in a previous post, and I will say it again, "when you truly and fully love someone, you want the very best for them. Think about your child or your pet, and treat yourself as you would treat them, from how you would feed them, to how you would make sure they are healthy and active, to what you would and wouldn’t say to them – that is truly loving yourself."

Of course, there is so much more to loving yourself than just loving how you look. Start by being mindful of negative thoughts, be it your appearance or your performance. Then when you recognize a negative thought, start countering it with a positive one – heck, give yourself two positive thoughts for every negative thought you have! Before you know it, you will be genuinely loving who you are from the inside out!

Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People

I am at a point where I can’t stand when I hear other people putting themselves down. Not because it annoys me or I think I am better than that, but because it truly breaks my heart! I feel sad when I read about someone who has made leaps and bounds toward their health or fitness goals, but instead chooses to focus on comparing themselves to others.

I constantly see people sing their praises in social media, but in the same breath say how other people are better at something or look better than they do… that’s not real self-love and it’s not confidence. You don’t need to look better or perform better than anyone! (except maybe your former self)

Appreciate Your Physical Being

As much as I wish it wasn’t, physical attributes are a big part of self-acceptance so I need to address it.

Believe me, when I say, you are beautiful! I don’t know what you look like but I have no doubt in my mind that you are attractive! Because we all are. Once you start pumping yourself up with positive thoughts, stop comparing yourself to other people, and focus on what makes you an extraordinary human being, you may find, as I have, that you no longer conform to the conventional way of thinking of attractiveness. You will start to see yourself as lovely in your own unique way, and appreciate this type of magnificence in others.

And the more you believe it about yourself, the more others will see it in you and believe it too.

Celebrate and Show Off

I love taking selfies, but there was a time when I struggled with it.

I remember when I got my first smartphone. Facebook was blowing up in popularity and I had a new profile picture every week. I found it to be a creative way to express myself and as a burgeoning, self-taught, hobbyist photographer, it allowed me to play with angles and lighting, which did serve as useful when I bought a real DSLR and started taking photos of other people.

Then Instagram came on the social media scene and I found it to be a perfect platform to express myself in that way. That is until the stigma around selfies started to bubble up. Many people were “anti-selfie” and claimed selfies meant one was conceited, or even narcissistic. I didn’t want my friends and family to think that way about me, so I tapered the selfie posts.

The thing is, I have always cared about what people think of me - not in terms of my clothing or my looks, but rather if I am perceived as a good person. If someone doesn’t like the shirt I am wearing, I couldn’t care less. But if someone thinks I am arrogant or rude, for any reason, I want to jump to my own defense, explain any potential misunderstandings, and clear the air. I want them to think I am nice! I care if I’ve hurt someone or offended them.

But when I realized that people being offended by me taking a photo of myself, was more about their own issues and hang-ups, than about me, I slowly started getting back into it. So take those selfies and post them for all to see!

It took me a long time to realize that it is ok to like a picture of myself or how I look in the mirror and that it doesn’t mean that I am conceited or vain. It means that I am confident in who I am and what I look like, and that is a wonderful thing! So take your selfies or have someone take photos of you!

Seriously, Go Get Professional Photos

Photographers are trained to see the beauty in everything and everyone and bring that out in their work. Getting professional portraits or a boudoir can do wonders for your self-love. I know so many talented and wonderful photographers that it is hard for me to single anyone out, and I highly encourage you to reach out to me if you want a recommendation.

But for this specific post, it made the most sense to talk about my own boudoir experience with Chelsey Luren Portraits. I enjoyed getting pampered beforehand with professional hair and makeup. I was shy at first to come out in my lingerie but she made me feel comfortable and before I knew it I was strutting and posing like a pro. I left the studio feeling like a model!

Even after all of that, as I was making my way to her home studio for the big reveal a week or two later, I had the thoughts creep in, that I wouldn’t like any of the photos, that I would notice all my cellulite and flabby bits, and that I would feel awful if I had to tell her I didn’t like them.

Once I got there and we sat down to go over the photos. The goal was to choose a package and then narrow down nearly 100 photos, to the number of photos allowed within my chosen products - which was a total of 27 - and it turned out to be really, really hard! I liked nearly all of the 90-something photos! I looked so soft and romantic and I even like my butt!

Then I nearly cried because I wasn’t expecting to genuinely feel that way and I came away viewing my body differently than I ever had. This was the first time that I viewed my body as truly beautiful.

Chelsey still uses my images in her promos to this day and even though I am in lingerie for all the world to see, every time she uses a photo of me, I feel proud and I feel empowered!

But, you don’t have to have a boudoir shoot specifically. Many photographers offer portrait sessions as well, including my own step-mother Anna Soriano.

Do your research, find a photographer whose style matches how you want to appear, and then have a sit down with them to discuss. If you are both on the same page, I can guarantee you will love your photos and you will love how you look.

A lot about self-love does boil down to whether or not we like our own physical attributes, but the key is to learn to love yourself as you are now. When you do, you will take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you get healthy, and when you get healthy, you glow.

It doesn’t matter if you’re and man, woman, child, thick, thin, black, white, short, or tall, you are beautiful and you need to love yourself for who you are - the rest will follow.

One last thing to mention: This won’t happen overnight. It has taken me years to learn all of this and I am still learning, but I hope in sharing what I have learned so far, it might expedite the process for someone who reads it.

Take your time, get to know yourself, fall in love with who you are, BE KIND, and be love.