Confidence Cocoon

Believe it or not, I used to be shy.

I was a very quiet kid who observed the world and the people around me. I soaked in everything like a sponge. Once I was comfortable, I was quiet social and talkative. But I tended to wait for other kids to come to me first, then I would warm up once I got to know them.

In high school, I had this perception that boys weren't interested in dating me. I had several friends that were boys though. Maybe on some deeper level I thought if I friend-zoned them, I would be safe from the drama and heartache I saw others go through. That and the few major crushes I did feel it was worth putting it all on the line for, turned me down, so I didn't even try. But in my mind, they all weren’t interested so I focused mainly on my circle of friends and my studies. I made a handful of friends when I first moved to New Westminster, and kept mainly to that circle throughout high school. So while I had an active social life, most of my friends had come to me or were introduced to me through others. I played it safe and didn't put myself out there confidently.

Halfway through grade 12, I heard about the Hyack Youth Ambassador program. A friend of mine wanted to do it, but she wanted at least one friend to do it with her. I was a little nervous about the public speaking portion of it, but it said training would be provided. I had never participated in any extracurricular activities or sports, so I thought this might be my last chance to be part of a group or team and I went for it.

The pageant was a major turning point for me in terms of confidence.

I learned how to speak publicly and even learned to like it. I learned how to make conversation with people I barely know. That program gave me the confidence I needed and invaluable lessons that I have used personally and professionally throughout my adult life.

Over the course of a few months, we met up once a week to practice various things, from speech writing to speech giving, from dinner etiquette to walking in heels. There were nine of us young ladies aged 16-18 in the program. We competed against each other in a pageant for the title of Miss New Westminster Youth Ambassador. The judging was based on our speeches, poise, and presentation, not "beauty" as the pageants you see on TV. Regardless of who won, we all remained in the program together for one year and toured other cities, towns, and festivals together, representing our city. Some of us became quite close and stay in touch to this day.

Through college and various face-to-face jobs, I became even more outgoing, or at least less shy.

My boyfriend at the time would tell me how he admired the way I could walk into a room full of strangers and start a conversation with anyone and then walk out with five new friends. But I still had doubts and insecurities. I thought that I would never be brave enough to do something like talk to a celebrity, sing karaoke, or act on stage – something I considered as a kid, but talked myself out of thanks to fear.

I remember this one specific night; my then-boyfriend and I were invited to a dinner party with his work friends and significant others. I was excited to finally meet Jenny, his work partner whom he worked with day in and day out. I heard about her constantly when he would talk about work, and she heard about me too when he would talk about home life. I remember her saying “it’s so nice to finally meet this person he won’t shut up about!” with a warm smile. The group of us ate, drank, laughed, and then we played Rockband.

I happily watched as the guys all played their plastic instruments and tried to beat their high scored that were set 5 years earlier, back when they would all play non-stop, before they had girlfriends. After a few songs and singers taking turns, someone handed me a microphone. I smiled and I tried to politely say no but they tried to coax me to sing. Jenny was the one who ended up convincing me and I sang “Float On” by Modest Mouse. It was an amazingly fun evening and I felt great for having pushed past my comfort zone to sing in front of people.

Sadly, Jenny passed away from complications of a long-undiagnosed yet aggressive brain tumour, not long after that. It’s interesting how you can meet someone once and yet they can have such a profound impact on your life. Every time I hear “Float On” to this day, I not only think of Jenny, but her message to convince me to sing it, which isn’t that different than the message in the song.

She had said gently: Come on… Sing! No one is here to judge you. We are all just here to have a good time!

My initial take on the song is that it doesn’t matter what life throws at you, life goes on, so you might as well just enjoy the journey and not get too wrapped up in negativity. But then after Jenny died, I thought of it more in the sense of our spirits or energy floating on to the next thing, which may sound a bit dark, but it makes all the drama, and the judgement that we fear in this life, that much more irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Life is precious, we eventually float on, so make the decision to enjoy it while you are here.

Funnily enough, that song often seems to come along, on the radio, in a store, in a car driving by, right when I need the reminder. No matter what I am doing in that moment, I drop every negative thought or doubt that I may be having in that moment, and I just… float on!

There are unquestionable turning points throughout my life where I can definitively say, "I grew from that moment", but mostly it’s been a gradual process.

I still have moments where I feel “too shy” to message a stranger on Instagram, or ask someone to purchase my services, or to put myself out here in my blog. And I am currently working on being assertive in situations where I need to stand up for myself or my beliefs, or my rights.

Often in the end I remind myself that I am on a mission to live my best life and to just go for it because I rarely regret it when I do, but often wonder what could have been if I don’t.

Yes, being confident involves taking risks - risks that someone might say no, or might judge you - but you don’t learn and grow from never trying new things or staying in your comfort zone.