Trust the Process

First thing in the morning yesterday, I had to take care of two challenging situations.

The first was calling Service Canada to clear up something that I recently submitted to them or risk not receiving my upcoming payment. If you have ever had to call the government you likely understand how that can be frustrating within itself. The first three times, I called and got a message that said they were so busy that they couldn’t even connect me and to try back later, before disconnecting. Then I remembered that there is a Service Canada office a block away from my apartment.

I got dressed, poured my coffee in a travel mug and off I went. The wait there wasn’t long, maybe 20 minutes. They had comfortable armchairs to wait in and a big TV playing animated infographics on a loop.

When my turn was up, I explained my situation to the case worker, only to find out that they couldn’t help me there. She said that what I needed could only be helped by the phone-line and wrote the number on a Post-it note. She was very sympathetic as I explained that I couldn’t get collect my Employment Insurance earnings until I spoke to someone, but I couldn’t get through on the phone. She reiterated that they couldn’t help me there and handed me the Post-it note. Despite that I’d called the number three times already, I politely took it and left.

I felt overwhelmed for about 30 seconds and then I mustered up my positive outlook, told myself “we will keep trying until we get through!” and resolved not to dwell on it until I was able to sit down and try calling again. After all, I had a second matter to deal with the same morning – my left wrist.

I fell hard a few weeks ago. I mentioned it in my last post but I didn't really go into detail. I had two bruised knees and a sprained wrist. My right knee was bruised far more than the left and slightly swollen and the day that I fell, my palms stung and my knees were bleeding so I thought nothing of my wrist at all. Later in the day I had lunch with my dad’s wife and mentioned that my wrist was starting to feel a little bit sore, and the day after, I had my photoshoot with her for my professional blogger headshots and noticed while posing that it was hard to bend or put weight on my wrist at all. That night I iced and rested it while I wrote my blog using a voice to text app, and the following day, it felt better.

I was still stiff from the jolt of the fall so I set up my yoga mat and set my Down Dog app to a restorative session in hopes of stretching out my muscles. But between my bruised knees and sore wrist, I couldn’t finish the session. Still, I refused to use some scrapes and bruises to be an excuse to skip CrossFit. I was scared that if I stopped going, I would lose momentum and fall back into old, lazy habits. I remembered when I had a minor toe surgery in February, my trainer said “Come any way! We’ll do arm stuff!” and so I did.

There are people who modify the movements for their prostheses, amputees, and wheelchairs. Surely I could work around a few bruises and possible sprain, and again, so I did. I wore a wrist brace for stability, I put down a mat for my knees. With the help of my trainer, I made it work and I felt proud for doing so. The compression of the brace even had my wrist feeling better.

The next few classes were the same. I went straight for the wrist guards and started figuring out what I could do and listening to my body. Eventually my knees stopped hurting and the bruises went away but the pain in my wrist kept coming and going. Aside from CrossFit, I was resting and icing it as much as possible. It felt fine when I had it in a neutral position but any time I had to bend my wrist, such as pushing open a shop door or holding the pole on the bus as it slams on its breaks, or twist is such as opening a jar, I’d feel a great twinge of sudden pain. Four weeks later I decided maybe I should be seen by a doctor.

Right after I left Service Canada, I walked down to a nearby walk-in clinic to get checked out. I explained the fall to the Doctor. She took a look at it, asked some questions, and sent me on my way with an X-ray requisition form.

Pro tip: you can fracture your scaphoid bone in your wrist and not know it, but it’s actually a serious injury because there isn’t a lot of vascular activity in the area which means it take longer to heal. It really should be cast and immobilized as soon as possible. This injury is often mistaken for a sprain. If you suspect you’ve sprained a body part, see a doctor. It might be more than a sprain but even if not, you should seek professional treatment anyway.

Next I went straight to the X-ray clinic where they manipulated my arm, wrist, and hand in painful ways to get the angles they needed. The technicians said that they would be able to tell me if there was an obvious fracture but there wasn’t so the radiologist would look at it next and it could take up to 3 days to get results! But I figured if it is fractured, I’ve been doing somewhat ok with it not being in a cast for a month, a couple more days won’t make much difference and I went home.

On my way home, just outside my building, I saw the first dandelion puff I’d seen all year. I know many people view dandelions as weeds, and I get that they are invasive if you pay a lot to maintain a nice green lawn, but remember, they are natural and perfect green lawns are not. Danelions are bees’ first source of food in the spring, and more and more studies are leading scientists to believe that they have healing properties, although many cultures have known this for centuries.

When I was 10, I had a wart on my toe that I was too embarrassed to tell my mom about. Coincidentally, I found a natural remedy book on our bookshelf months later. I was fascinated as I flipped through it but couldn’t think of anything that I needed to heal, as bad as I wanted to try some of these remedies. I looked through the entire index at the back when I finally saw “Warts” and then I remembered my toe.

It said that Native Americans would use the “milk” from the stem as a topical treatment for warts and I was stoked! I picked a few from the back yard and squeezed the milk out of the stems and directly on to my toe. I did this every day for a week and eventually that wart was gone, never to return. Needless to say, I have believed in the healing powers of dandelions ever since. Dandelion tea helps with inflammation and the ease of water retention. Scientists are now studying the effects that dandelions have in regards to cancer treatment right here in Canada! There seems to be no end to the amazing things these “weeds” can do.

Health benefits aside, I like to revert to my childhood, pull the puff from the ground, make a wish, and blow. When I make a wish it is usually selfless. I like to think of it more like spreading good wishes to those I care about – a physical manifestation of sending positive vibes. And in effect, more dandelions will grow from the seeds and from there, more positive vibes can be sent. To me there is something so graceful and magical about the way the seeds float on the wind. They carry my well-wishes out to the universe and help me to spread my love. And for this reason, I have a half blown dandelion tattooed on the back of my right shoulder, to remind me to continue to spread my positivity and share it with the world.

Naturally, I pulled that first dandelion puff and observed it for a moment. It was perfectly round and there were no missing seedlings. I closed my eyes, had a small chat with the universe, took a deep breath, and blew. I watched as the seeds floated off and for the first time that day, I smiled.

Once I was inside, I made lunch and decided to try calling the government again. I got placed in the queue without being hung up on! The wait time was more than 45 minutes and the music was terrible. I put the phone on speaker mode and worked on some blog items and social media marketing for an upcoming project (stay tuned)! After 35 minutes the line started ringing and as I picked up the phone to prepare to talk to the person who was about to take the call, I was disconnected! I let out my frustration and took a few breaths. Once I was calm, and finished my work, I called again. The wait time was now less than 25 minutes so again, I put it on speaker mode while I did some research for a freelance project.

After 20 minutes on hold, it started ringing, I didn’t dare touch my phone for fear that I was the one who disconnected the phone somehow earlier. But a person on the other end started speaking and asking for my personal information to verify my identity. I went over the reason for my call and he pulled up a checklist specific to the situation. He asked questions off the checklist and took down everything I said. He then let me know that it could be up to 21 days for the decision makers to review the report and make a decision on my claim. My mind started to spiral with what ifs and worst case scenarios. I choked back tears as I asked if there was any possible way to expedite it. I have been living off my severance and my savings for too long and they will not last forever. He said that it doesn’t usually take the full 21 days but if it does happen to go over the 21 days, then they will put a rush on it from there. I cleared my throat and thanked him for his time.

After I hung up the phone, I remembered the many things I had read about manifesting and energies. I did not want to put any more negative energy out into the universe so I took another deep breath as I told myself that I know everything is going to work out the way that it is supposed to. That I will get put back on my path and that this is just a small hiccup, and likely a test of my trust in the universe, so I couldn’t let this break my beliefs and everything that I have learned. I opened my Excel budget and started a fresh worksheet. I estimated how much I will be getting and when. I made a plan based on what I want to see happen and when and then I saved it. This was my way of showing that I do believe everything will work out and having a clear financial picture in front of me helped appease my fears and worries.

While I was waiting on hold, my friend had texted me and reminded me that I was her backup for Paintnite if her friend had to bail, which she had. I had completely forgotten and while I felt a little better about things, part of me wanted to wallow alone at home and continue binging on Netflix. In the end, I realized that it would be better to get out, do something fun, and take my mind off everything. Plus I didn’t want to let my friend down. So I freshened up and off we went.

In her car we were getting caught up on life matters and I told her all about my day. It helped to talk to someone and not keep it bottled up inside. I explained some of my fears but reaffirmed, more for my own benefit, that I wasn’t wanting those fears to manifest and that I was focused and determined to have the best outcome and that whatever is meant to be will be. And in my inner monologue, I asked for a just small sign that everything would be ok. Not a moment later a large flash of lightning bolted across the sky and thunder rumbled shortly after. There were dark clouds behind us and clear skies straight ahead, the perfect recipe for a thunder storm, but that was the only one we saw and I got really excited about it!

I realize that most people view lighting as a "bad sign". After all it’s dangerous and thunder is loud and scary. Historically, and biblically, lighting and thunder are signs to be scared of. But I just wasn’t. I grew up in Alberta and I love thunder! I wish we got more of it here in BC but the rarity of that made me all the more sure that this was my sign. The excitement of it built up inside me and I suddenly felt at ease.

We dropped off her toddler at her mom’s and started driving back toward the darker clouds. With the sun setting behind us and rain up ahead, we got to witness a big, beautiful rainbow. At one point on our drive, I could see the full arch of it. It seemed to touch down into the Fraser River. The closer we got to our destination, the closer we seemed to be getting to the rainbow. I was always told that you can’t actually find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow because you can never get close to a rainbow. I was told that it is an optical illusion of light and cannot be caught or touched. But somehow this rainbow was getting bigger and brighter the "closer" we got. I looked up the road we were driving on and it seemed to fill the entire landscape. I couldn’t stop smiling and my eyes were watering. I have never seen a rainbow so big, bright, and beautiful as this one.

We went in to the venue and began our paintings. The instructor guided us along as everyone painted their interpretations of what she described. I was pretty impressed with how mine was coming along when suddenly, near to the end, I felt I ruined my painting. I was putting a dark colour over a light one and was very unhappy with the look of it. But after the next few steps, and a couple more layers of paint, the canvas was looking pretty good again. And the words “trust the process” stood out in my mind.

People have often used painting, among other art forms, as a metaphor and now I can see why.

My take away was this: The finished painting is the goal. You want the completed work to look good on your wall. But you have to start with a blank canvas first. Then you add the first layer. It might be a few lines, or a blob of colour off to the side, but it won’t look like anything close to the finished product and it certainly won’t make sense. Then you add another layer. You might start to see some of the first shapes or objects and you might start to have an idea of how it will look when it’s finished. You add another layer, but this one skews your vision a little. The technique you attempted didn’t produce the result you wanted and you lose sight of what you thought the finished painting would look like. I didn’t understand the purpose of this layer and was angry at myself for ruining my painting. Then we added the final layer. Silhouettes and fine details that brought everything together. I could no longer see the mistakes. Not that they were covered up, I simply no longer viewed them as mistakes. Now that the painting was finished, the strokes from the previous layer made sense. And suddenly so did everything that I had been through recently.

My journey is far from complete but I now realize that I am just painting that layer that doesn’t make sense. It can be trying and frustrating but I need to keep trusting the process.

Besides, while I love the painting as a completed work, looking at it is not nearly as fun as painting it was.